2020 Refection

Where were you last year? (Physically and mentally; shallowly and deeply)

What has changed about your circumstances since?

What have you learned through the evolution of your circumstances?

What were some hard things in 2020? How have you learned from them (about yourself and the world)? How are you continuing to learn from them?

What gifts did 2020 bring? Were they all in pretty wrapping?

How are you proud of yourself? (Write this one down)

How do you want 2021 to be different? To what degree are these within your control? In what ways can you take tangible steps towards these images?

Why are you hesitant to hold ambitious images in your brain?

What do you hope your answers will be to these questions next year if you complete this exercise again?

What was the hardest question to answer?

When We Try To Read Life Like A Book

 

When we read life like a book,

We assign characters roles -

antagonists, protagonists -

create a plot diagram

find a conflict

assign a climax

discover a resolution

(if you're lucky, more than one).

Then after it's all said and done,

hopefully your life will have a theme.

And you hope that it is good.

But life isn't a book

There is no diagram.

Antagonists get grace

And sometimes they win.

Protagonists make mistakes

The conflict doesn't make sense.

Sometimes the good guy dies

and loose ends aren't tied.

When we read life like a book

"everything happens for a reason"

yet we still feel helpless

hopeless

when the ending isn't what we predicted.

Coincidences happen

and believing people call them blessings,

shouting their stories at the world.

While their broken neighbors curse the stars,

yearning for any glimpse that God 

or whoever

hasn't written them out of His plot.

When we read life like a book

We acknowledge a God,

but He's not always good.

We acknowledge a Devil,

but He's not always in second.

We give purpose to pain as if it's deserved.

We put people in boxes they don't fit inside.

Life isn't a book because it isn't linear.

It ebbs and flows without rhythm,

diving in the dark

crashing without cause,

but then we adjust.

And we love anyway.

And we fight harder

And we forgive

And we learn.

Because we weren't made for an ending.

Life's artistry isn't in an orchestration,

but in repeated manifestation.

We are given breath and a body,

then we get to create the art

free from puppet strings.

Things may happen for a reason,

but we get to create it.

Because a life isn't valued in its ending,

but in its living.

Bible Verses for Current Events

As we near the halfway point of 2020, it has become apparent that people are seeking peace seemingly more than they ever have before, whether it be peace of mind, financial peace, spiritual peace, peace as an end to violence, or peace from a vaccine or cure for COVID-19. Though we are all seeking it in very diverse ways (staying informed, unplugged, positive, obsessive, disciplined, isolated, charitable, frugal, social, or somewhere among all of those), we are all essentially yearning for the same thing - peace. In my attempt to find peace tonight, I turned to my Bible for answers. (Don’t let me fool you. I don’t do this nearly as much as I should.) After reading through, I decided I’d share them on my blog for anyone who’s feeling a little overwhelmed about where to turn for the myriad of topics blazing through your head right now. I decided to organize them into the following topics: racism/advocacy, fear, leadership, and really anything. The really anything column are verses I found that can be applied to “really anything”. I wanted to have a sickness column, but many of the verses I found for the other topics applied to fears/imagery about sickness and health as well. Let me know if you have some you think I should add, and I pray He helps you find some peace from His word tonight. Amen.

Racism/Advocacy

- Compassion on the crowds: Matthew 9:36
- “Live peaceably with all” - Romans 12:9-21
- What we owe each other: Romans 13:8
- Our identity in Christ: Galatians 3:28
- Race and Jesus summed up: Ephesians 2:14-22
- “The Good Samaritan” story: Luke 10:25

Fear

- Finding rest: Matthew 11:28-30
- Setting our minds on the Spirit: Romans 8:5-7
- Spiritual strength: Ephesians 3:14-21 (really the rest of Ephesians)
- “Fear not” is said in the Bible 365 times.

Leadership

- You as a leader: Matthew 10:5-15
- God’s chosen servant: Matthew 12:18-21
- The story of the prodigal son: Luke 15
- Daniel in the lion’s den

Really Anything

- What I call the “What It’s All About” verse: Matthew 9:9-13
- A tree is known by it’s fruit: Matthew 12:33-37
- He even loves “those people”: Romans 9:25-26
- The example of Christ: Romans 15:1

Debunking “We’re All in the Same Boat”

We aren’t all in the same boat.

Summer, spring, fall, winter. One thing hasn’t changed through this time and that’s that we arent all in the same boat.

Mothers are getting to spend workdays with children. Fathers don’t have to travel as much. Family meals get to be around a table again. We get to be more intentional with our priorities because the world around us isn’t doing it for us. It’s uncomfortable to be pushed to find your own time with God when small groups aren’t meeting and Sunday services have been cancelled. We are so far out of our comfort zone we can’t even study someone else’s as a guidebook to follow. All we have to cling to is faith. Jobs aren’t secure, money isn’t secure, routines aren’t secure. We can’t half heartedly or subconsciously go through the motions in which our identities have become so engrained. We have been forced to become intentional about every little purchase, every little outing, every little touch, every little interaction. We have been forced to be intentional friends instead of catching up while watching basketball games or whenever-you’re-free, we-should-do-this-more-often weekend trips. We’ve been forced to be intentional grandchildren because we know in the back of our minds grandma hasn’t seen anyone othe r than herself in 4 days, and that’s going to continue for an undetermined time. We feel guilt for having a more secure situation than some, but we wince in painful jealousy at the ones seemingly untouched by the unjust fingers of the pandemic.
Everyone keeps saying we’re all in the same boat, and that is totally untrue. I have thankfully been in a very fortunate position during this time as far as job security and income security is concerned, but it’s only made me wish I’d bitten my tongue when I complained about having ungrateful students or difficult meetings. It’s made me realize how much I loved my job exactly how it was, and not at all how it is now. This experience has made me realize a lot about myself because of the amount of time I’ve been able to dedicate to self reflection and growth.

This isn’t everyone’s story. This isn’t everyone’s boat. There are moms working from home with 3 kids wanting to make slime rather than complete schoolwork, and she lets them because if she doesn’t make this sale she has a better chance of facing a lay-off. While all of us are running away from the burning building, there are nurses, doctors, janitors, and first responders running into it trying to cushion the blows of the pandemic. There are grandmothers and grandfathers, uncles, and aunts living alone and more isolated than they’ve ever been before. There are women and men everywhere unemployed who can’t get anyone on the phone to receive their last stitch of hope for financial security.

There are people suffering; there are people thriving; and there are people everywhere in between. Our cards were not dealt evenly. And like I said before, in a time where everything is unsure, it only further illuminates the One who has always been truly the only secure thing we’ve had in our lives.

It’s both reassuring and completely terrifying to realize how much faith we had in the false security this world has to offer, whether it be our jobs, routines, homes, or heath. Faith in God’s promises is the one thing that can stand in a time like this. He’s the the one thing that won’t fail us.

Praying that we find peace in that truth.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” - Hebrews 10:23

COVID Holy Week

Everyone keeps talking about how we need to fix our eyes on Jesus during this time, especially today, and I couldn’t agree more. But there’s something I heard this past week that has clung to my heart.

The time that we are in right now closely mirrors the first Holy Week. During the week of Jesus’ crucifixion and eventual resurrection, people didn’t know who to believe or what to have faith in. The government leaders were saying one thing while the disciples were saying another, and then religious leaders even joined forces with the government. Heck, even the disciples didn’t agree. Some of them remained steadfast in their faith, but some doubted, and one blatantly betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. 

Early in the week, there was Palm Sunday. People welcomed Jesus with applause and praise. John cites that many of the people who welcomed him were there because they had heard about his miracles, including raising Lazarus from the dead. A few days later, many people started to lose faith as the Pharisees got more aggressive and Jesus warned that his death was drawing near. It became more and more aberrant to remain a believer, at least a vocal one: “many even of the authorities believed in him, but for fear of the Pharisees they did not confess it” (John 12:42).

There was so much unknown. People were petrified. Comfort zones were rocked or completely obliterated. Yet, Jesus’ promises were consistent. He told them how he was going to die, why he was going to die, why he needed to die, and what was going to happen afterwards. 

We must cling to this in our present circumstances. Jesus promises resurrection. Jesus promises he will do good to those who love him. Jesus promises a hope and future. Jesus promises salvation through faith. Jesus promises that there is a plan, and it is good.

If we look to the disciples, we can also find alignment. Even though comfort levels were shattered, personal preferences were (seemingly) ignored, and their leader was going to be publicly humiliated and crucified, they remained faithful. Something that I have learned through this simultaneous Holy Week and pandemic is that unknown does not equal unfaithful. I’ve heard myself and so many others verbalize statements like “I don’t know what’s going to happen” or even “this can’t end well”. We don’t have to lose faith just because we lose a predictable future. Remain steadfast. Verbalize your faith. We will be resurrected. It has been promised.

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Scaring Myself

Tonight I said something before filtering it through my brain, and it scared me. It went something like this: “I really hope I get to experience _____________ (broken part of me; you could fill the blank with "freedom") before Jesus comes back, *laughs* but I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.”

There are a lot of things wrong with this, so I’ll go one at a time.

In admitting this sentence, I realized a new stronghold within my heart I had not fully realized until I uttered the previous statement - there are some parts of me I believe are out of God’s reach. I’ve always articulated that God can bring miracles out of the darkest situations because I am the living proof of that from multiple scenarios, but here I am subconsciously believing that I still embody exceptions to His promises. Though the details of this stronghold are probably different from others’, I think most, if not all, Christians struggle with this same subconscious hypocrisy: we believe in God’s promise(s) for others that we do not believe for ourselves.

So, I’m making a (no where near complete) list of his promises for ALL PARTS OF ME and for ALL PARTS OF YOU:

> God promises to do the impossible.

“But he said, ‘The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” Luke 18:27

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

> God promises redemption and forgiveness.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a new heart.” Ezekiel 36:26

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

“He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:19

> God promises prosperity.

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ … For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:31-34

“If I will not open for you the windows of the heavens and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field.” Malachi 3:10-11

> God promises healing.

“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.” Jeremiah 30:17 (This means emotional ones too.)

> God promises guidance.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths, Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil.” Proverbs 3:5-7

> God promises peace.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6

“Great peace have those who love Your law, and nothing causes them to stumble.” Psalm 119:165

> God promises protection and deliverance.

“He shall cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid fo the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.” Psalm 91:4-6

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; you will stretch out Your hand again the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me.”

> God promises the second coming of Christ.

“I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” John 14:2-3

“God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

There are obviously many more examples and many more promises, but this is an overarching starting point. God has not forgotten you, and He has not forgotten me. He will use our dirtiest, most damaged parts for our good and His glory, but that process cannot begin until we COMPLETELY trust him with those pieces of ourselves. That part of you that you think is an immovable character trait or a relentless temptation, he can take that too. He evolves me everyday, and he will continue to do so. And isn’t that the greatest news? He’s no where near finished with us yet.

The Planner, Unplanned

For the past eight months, I have taken a break from social media for multiple reasons. I just got back on it last week. I feel it's important to share what you would've seen if I had stayed active vs. my reality for the past eight months.

My feed:

• Graduated from UAH with Summa Cum Laude on my diploma
• Job straight out of college at James Clemens High School, which is part of the second highest ranked school system in AL
• Trip to Boston
• Trip to Chattanooga (x2)
• Trip to Atlanta
• Trip to Greenville, SC (x3)
• Trip to Ashville, NC
• Rented my first place/financial independence
• Learning to cook
• Learning to be handy
• Decorating an apartment
• Became a member of a church
• Joined a small group

My reality:

• Unexpected breakup with boyfriend of 4 years
• Panic attacks
• Financial struggle
• Therapy
• Moved away from the city I wanted to call home
• Moved away from the church I wanted to call home
• Moved away from my family
• Weakest workout regimen to date
• More panic attacks
• More therapy

The reason I listed all of that out was not to obtain sympathy or envy. I included those lists because social media is deceptive in every. single. case. I took a break from social media because there was a time in the past 8 months where social media's "positivity" would've been very destructive. I recommend it to anyone struggling with anxiety, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, weight issues, etc. Sometimes you don't need that positivity in your life, and you aren't weak if you have to admit that.

In the past eight months I've gone through some of the darkest and developmental times in my life. I was truly knocked down to my foundation, and I'm still rebuilding. There was a point I was so terrified of my own mind that I would talk to my mother on my way to work and on my way home until she walked through the front door. I joined a small group, and in the first meeting I started to have a panic attack in front of what was a group of strangers. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt like a victim.

But I healed.

And I will continue to heal.

If you know me at all, you know I'm a planner. If you knew me eight months ago, you know I was a compulsive planner. If you asked me eight months ago, I could've told you my whole-life plan down to the paint color in my future living room. I put all of my security in my expectations. I fell in love with potential. Then, God stripped away everything from my unwilling, defiant hands. Every detail of my life plan vanished in the fall. And, as you can see from the list above, I panicked.This is when God taught me one of the hardest, most crucial lessons I've ever learned: He is truly all I need. It's so simple to say, yet so difficult to believe.

But God didn't leave me there. He carried me through it. He pruned my branches down to the quick because I had built my security out of human expectation. When your foundation is made out of imperfect material, your structure is doomed to collapse. (God just decided to use a wrecking ball on me, I guess.)

If you're going through something (everyone), here's my imperfect list of lessons I've learned over the past eight months. Sorry for the abrupt ending. I'm hungry.

1. Progress doesn't happen in a straight line. There are peaks and valleys in your data points, but you're still on an upward trend. Look up any graph of any kind of recovery, and you'll see what I'm talking about.
2. Forgive yourself. 
1. Just because you didn't cry yesterday, but you did today, doesn't mean you took a step backwards. That progress still counts. See previous point.
2. Just because your expectation wasn't met, doesn't mean you lost. It doesn't mean you weren't enough to make it happen. You didn't fail.
3. Surround yourself with people who will be exactly what you need. Sometimes you need silence; sometimes you need distraction; sometimes you need advice; sometimes you need reinforcement; sometimes you need a tear-whiper; sometimes you need a cheerleader. Find people who will be what you need without trying to fulfill any other agenda.
4. Forgive people who say unhelpful things to you. They are trying to help, but they don't know how. It's a helpless feeling. Try not to be offended.

And here's a list for people specifically going through a breakup.

1. Delete social media. At least for a little while.
2. You are not lesser than others because your relationship didn't work out. You are not a second-class person because you didn't get it right the first, second, third, etc. time. You are more than enough for someone. On the other side of the same token, people who are getting engaged/married right now are not winners. Engagement/marriage is not an accomplishment. That is a step in a relationship, not a prize that goes on your resume.
3. It is okay to feel grief in many different ways. You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are rebuilding. That comes with an array of emotions.
4. Practice saying your response when people ask "So how are you and ________?". Also, you will live through it. I promise.
5. Fill that newly vacant time with a healthy distraction. 
6. Do not give yourself a timeline. You will heal deeper and quicker if you allow yourself to progress naturally.
7. Do not feel guilty for going on a date whenever you do decide to go on one. You are allowed to stop viewing yourself as a victim whenever you feel like it. And forgive yourself on this date. This is newly chartered territory, so you're going to be clumsy.
8. Don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want to talk to someone who is "making it." No one should go through a breakup alone.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28