COVID Holy Week

Everyone keeps talking about how we need to fix our eyes on Jesus during this time, especially today, and I couldn’t agree more. But there’s something I heard this past week that has clung to my heart.

The time that we are in right now closely mirrors the first Holy Week. During the week of Jesus’ crucifixion and eventual resurrection, people didn’t know who to believe or what to have faith in. The government leaders were saying one thing while the disciples were saying another, and then religious leaders even joined forces with the government. Heck, even the disciples didn’t agree. Some of them remained steadfast in their faith, but some doubted, and one blatantly betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. 

Early in the week, there was Palm Sunday. People welcomed Jesus with applause and praise. John cites that many of the people who welcomed him were there because they had heard about his miracles, including raising Lazarus from the dead. A few days later, many people started to lose faith as the Pharisees got more aggressive and Jesus warned that his death was drawing near. It became more and more aberrant to remain a believer, at least a vocal one: “many even of the authorities believed in him, but for fear of the Pharisees they did not confess it” (John 12:42).

There was so much unknown. People were petrified. Comfort zones were rocked or completely obliterated. Yet, Jesus’ promises were consistent. He told them how he was going to die, why he was going to die, why he needed to die, and what was going to happen afterwards. 

We must cling to this in our present circumstances. Jesus promises resurrection. Jesus promises he will do good to those who love him. Jesus promises a hope and future. Jesus promises salvation through faith. Jesus promises that there is a plan, and it is good.

If we look to the disciples, we can also find alignment. Even though comfort levels were shattered, personal preferences were (seemingly) ignored, and their leader was going to be publicly humiliated and crucified, they remained faithful. Something that I have learned through this simultaneous Holy Week and pandemic is that unknown does not equal unfaithful. I’ve heard myself and so many others verbalize statements like “I don’t know what’s going to happen” or even “this can’t end well”. We don’t have to lose faith just because we lose a predictable future. Remain steadfast. Verbalize your faith. We will be resurrected. It has been promised.

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Scaring Myself

Tonight I said something before filtering it through my brain, and it scared me. It went something like this: “I really hope I get to experience _____________ (broken part of me; you could fill the blank with "freedom") before Jesus comes back, *laughs* but I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.”

There are a lot of things wrong with this, so I’ll go one at a time.

In admitting this sentence, I realized a new stronghold within my heart I had not fully realized until I uttered the previous statement - there are some parts of me I believe are out of God’s reach. I’ve always articulated that God can bring miracles out of the darkest situations because I am the living proof of that from multiple scenarios, but here I am subconsciously believing that I still embody exceptions to His promises. Though the details of this stronghold are probably different from others’, I think most, if not all, Christians struggle with this same subconscious hypocrisy: we believe in God’s promise(s) for others that we do not believe for ourselves.

So, I’m making a (no where near complete) list of his promises for ALL PARTS OF ME and for ALL PARTS OF YOU:

> God promises to do the impossible.

“But he said, ‘The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” Luke 18:27

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

> God promises redemption and forgiveness.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a new heart.” Ezekiel 36:26

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

“He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:19

> God promises prosperity.

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ … For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:31-34

“If I will not open for you the windows of the heavens and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field.” Malachi 3:10-11

> God promises healing.

“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.” Jeremiah 30:17 (This means emotional ones too.)

> God promises guidance.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths, Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil.” Proverbs 3:5-7

> God promises peace.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6

“Great peace have those who love Your law, and nothing causes them to stumble.” Psalm 119:165

> God promises protection and deliverance.

“He shall cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid fo the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.” Psalm 91:4-6

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; you will stretch out Your hand again the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me.”

> God promises the second coming of Christ.

“I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” John 14:2-3

“God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

There are obviously many more examples and many more promises, but this is an overarching starting point. God has not forgotten you, and He has not forgotten me. He will use our dirtiest, most damaged parts for our good and His glory, but that process cannot begin until we COMPLETELY trust him with those pieces of ourselves. That part of you that you think is an immovable character trait or a relentless temptation, he can take that too. He evolves me everyday, and he will continue to do so. And isn’t that the greatest news? He’s no where near finished with us yet.

The Planner, Unplanned

For the past eight months, I have taken a break from social media for multiple reasons. I just got back on it last week. I feel it's important to share what you would've seen if I had stayed active vs. my reality for the past eight months.

My feed:

• Graduated from UAH with Summa Cum Laude on my diploma
• Job straight out of college at James Clemens High School, which is part of the second highest ranked school system in AL
• Trip to Boston
• Trip to Chattanooga (x2)
• Trip to Atlanta
• Trip to Greenville, SC (x3)
• Trip to Ashville, NC
• Rented my first place/financial independence
• Learning to cook
• Learning to be handy
• Decorating an apartment
• Became a member of a church
• Joined a small group

My reality:

• Unexpected breakup with boyfriend of 4 years
• Panic attacks
• Financial struggle
• Therapy
• Moved away from the city I wanted to call home
• Moved away from the church I wanted to call home
• Moved away from my family
• Weakest workout regimen to date
• More panic attacks
• More therapy

The reason I listed all of that out was not to obtain sympathy or envy. I included those lists because social media is deceptive in every. single. case. I took a break from social media because there was a time in the past 8 months where social media's "positivity" would've been very destructive. I recommend it to anyone struggling with anxiety, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, weight issues, etc. Sometimes you don't need that positivity in your life, and you aren't weak if you have to admit that.

In the past eight months I've gone through some of the darkest and developmental times in my life. I was truly knocked down to my foundation, and I'm still rebuilding. There was a point I was so terrified of my own mind that I would talk to my mother on my way to work and on my way home until she walked through the front door. I joined a small group, and in the first meeting I started to have a panic attack in front of what was a group of strangers. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt like a victim.

But I healed.

And I will continue to heal.

If you know me at all, you know I'm a planner. If you knew me eight months ago, you know I was a compulsive planner. If you asked me eight months ago, I could've told you my whole-life plan down to the paint color in my future living room. I put all of my security in my expectations. I fell in love with potential. Then, God stripped away everything from my unwilling, defiant hands. Every detail of my life plan vanished in the fall. And, as you can see from the list above, I panicked.This is when God taught me one of the hardest, most crucial lessons I've ever learned: He is truly all I need. It's so simple to say, yet so difficult to believe.

But God didn't leave me there. He carried me through it. He pruned my branches down to the quick because I had built my security out of human expectation. When your foundation is made out of imperfect material, your structure is doomed to collapse. (God just decided to use a wrecking ball on me, I guess.)

If you're going through something (everyone), here's my imperfect list of lessons I've learned over the past eight months. Sorry for the abrupt ending. I'm hungry.

1. Progress doesn't happen in a straight line. There are peaks and valleys in your data points, but you're still on an upward trend. Look up any graph of any kind of recovery, and you'll see what I'm talking about.
2. Forgive yourself. 
1. Just because you didn't cry yesterday, but you did today, doesn't mean you took a step backwards. That progress still counts. See previous point.
2. Just because your expectation wasn't met, doesn't mean you lost. It doesn't mean you weren't enough to make it happen. You didn't fail.
3. Surround yourself with people who will be exactly what you need. Sometimes you need silence; sometimes you need distraction; sometimes you need advice; sometimes you need reinforcement; sometimes you need a tear-whiper; sometimes you need a cheerleader. Find people who will be what you need without trying to fulfill any other agenda.
4. Forgive people who say unhelpful things to you. They are trying to help, but they don't know how. It's a helpless feeling. Try not to be offended.

And here's a list for people specifically going through a breakup.

1. Delete social media. At least for a little while.
2. You are not lesser than others because your relationship didn't work out. You are not a second-class person because you didn't get it right the first, second, third, etc. time. You are more than enough for someone. On the other side of the same token, people who are getting engaged/married right now are not winners. Engagement/marriage is not an accomplishment. That is a step in a relationship, not a prize that goes on your resume.
3. It is okay to feel grief in many different ways. You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are rebuilding. That comes with an array of emotions.
4. Practice saying your response when people ask "So how are you and ________?". Also, you will live through it. I promise.
5. Fill that newly vacant time with a healthy distraction. 
6. Do not give yourself a timeline. You will heal deeper and quicker if you allow yourself to progress naturally.
7. Do not feel guilty for going on a date whenever you do decide to go on one. You are allowed to stop viewing yourself as a victim whenever you feel like it. And forgive yourself on this date. This is newly chartered territory, so you're going to be clumsy.
8. Don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want to talk to someone who is "making it." No one should go through a breakup alone.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

idk

DISCLAIMER: Before reading this you need to listen to the song "Winter Snow" by Chris Tomlin and Audrey Assad. 

I haven't written in a while. I start with that mostly as an apology to myself. And to God. The past few months of my life have felt like an inconsistent vacillation between fast forward and slow motion because of the incredible amount of highs and lows I've experienced. Insert generic, super unhelpful *that's life* quote here. I feel like this blog is about to be moderately to severely unorganized, but I'm not going to dwell on it too much and you shouldn't either.
The past few months of my life have been both externally and internally transformative. I graduated college, split up with my boyfriend of 4 years, got my dream job of teaching 11th grade English, and I will soon not only be moving out on my own, but to a different city. What could be stressful about that right?
Oh wait I forgot it's Christmastime too. Crap.
This is my predicament.
The past few days I've been in a funk because I keep focusing on things like signing up for health insurance and buying a couch that doesn't cost more than my car, but it's Jesus' birthday. Like THE Jesus. But this is the same story we hear every year - "Keep Christ in Christmas." "Remember the reason for the season." It's a broken-record issue.

But this was exactly the state of the Earth when God gave us the first and most perfect Christmas gift in the most humble and peaceful manner. In the song, Assad sings "you could've come like a mighty storm with all the strength of a hurricane" - and isn't it true? God gave us the one and only perfect human who would save us from our sins and give us eternal life via a 13(ish)-year-old poor virgin girl into a barn. There were no trumpets or spot lights or hype videos? And part of me wants to be like, "God what were you thinking? Why would anyone believe in you from a man who was born in a barn? Did you not think this one through?" But, like always, God had a reason that I don't claim to understand fully, but maybe partially.
Think about the song again. Isn't this the effect Jesus has on all of us? Isn't this the purpose of Jesus? God didn't give us Jesus to add to the noise of our lives. He was given to us to set the world straight - because we're idiots - and to give us everlasting peace from the knowledge and understanding of God's unconditional love. Think about when it snows in Alabama. We walk outside and stand very still to hear the unfamiliar, yet peaceful whisper of snow accumulating on the ground. Or if it happened in the middle of the night, we wake up to a completely new perspective of our once mundane neighborhood. The untouched, uncorrupted, angelic white surfaces cause us to see our world in a completely different light. That dead tree you've been meaning to cut down is now the most picturesque part of the yard. Isn't this the perfect image of Jesus? Just like the perfect, seamless accumulation of snow shows us the purity of nature, Jesus showed humanity the unconditional, gracious, and compassionate love of God that purifies and gives purpose to every single circumstance in our lives.
This image of listening to the snow is exactly what we need, including me, during this holiday season. Take moments to absorb the peace of Christ in whatever form that may be for you.

Merry Christmas!

Reading Response: Ch. 20 of anonymous

“Jesus did not allow the moments of his life to exist in isolation. He constantly connected them and placed them in the light of God’s will.”

Jesus was constantly aligning his perspective with God’s perspective, even when He couldn’t see everything God could. That’s where his faith came in - to fill in the blind spots he knew God had covered. When Satan tempted him in the desert, it was logical to eat after 40 days and 40 nights. What could it hurt? But instead of choosing his desires of the flesh, he chose to follow God’s guidance and situate that moment within God’s plan - not in isolation.

“Jesus knew that sacrificing his body on the cross in the future would be impossible if at this layer he chose to feed the flesh in the desert.”

Quotes from anonymous by Dr. Alicia Britt Chole

Journal Entry: June 7, 2018

     The past few days I've been feeling sorry for myself. It seems like every time I get over one obstacle and start doing well - living independently, cruising - another obstacle appears in my path. Yesterday, I spent most of the day asking God why this keeps occurring. I went to church last night, mind and heart open to whatever answer God had for me. The message was (of course) completely about my situation. Funny how that always seems to happen. The message was about praising God and speaking life even in the midst of the darkness. The pastor finished the sermon with a somewhat cheesy, but memorable, one-liner - "Don't let the devil get you down. Get your hands up." Even if you are completely blinded by the darkness, like you're stuck in a cave, God calls us to make light with our voice. Make light with our actions.
     I slept on this message and woke up with a new spirit and a new discovery about my spiritual life. As I mentioned earlier, before meeting my latest obstacle, I was cruising. Independent. I was doing well.
     Then it hit me.
     Who am I to ask God why if the only time I come running to Him is when tragedy strikes? Who am I to question His motives if I am only dependent on Him is when I need His umbrella? If you had asked me yesterday, I would've told you that I thought God was punishing me for being distant, for traveling on Sundays, for neglecting Him. Today, I realize it's just the opposite. God wants me. He wants a relationship with me even when I don't give Him the time of day. EVEN when I question Him. If momentary pain will draw me near and deepen my faith, then isn't He doing me a favor?

"God is more interested in developing you than making you happy."

"God is more interested in your character than your comfort."

Pretty Little Girl

Smocked dresses, lace, and curls
blurred Sundays are broken-record memories
"What a pretty little girl!" they'd say
like my appearance was something achieved

Mama'd change the subject
to something I'd actually influenced
like my role in the children's play
or the elaborate stories I'd written

"Pretty little girl"
my adored eyes would shift
suddenly intrigued
by the buckle on my shoe

Mama's grip said "be polite"
choking the social norm from my hand
But Mama's eyes apologized
as she witnessed me realize
where society found my worth

What happens to pretty little girls
when the smocked dresses don't fit
when they trade bows for bras
when the broken record finally breaks?

First, they crumble
blindly grasping for the pieces
the pieces that once built them
with an unwritten expiration

An identity once balancing
on a tower of cards
blown over by the same force
that built it

It seems pretty little girls
can grow up to be anything
doctors, teachers, writers
and mothers

That apology I saw
in Mama's emerald eyes
was for her loosening grip
on the shield of my innocence

Eyes wet with experience,
she caught me when I crumbled
and showed me my pieces
I had long devalued

I always wondered how she knew
But I guess that's what happens
when pretty little girls
raise pretty little girls.