Journal Entry

For my Ethics class, we are required to visit office hours twice during the semester. I went to my second meeting today and two other students were in there. The room consisted of an outspoken atheist, a devout Christian, a "somewhere between the two," and an unknown. As it often does in philosophy classes, religion came up in our conversation. It started with the atheist recalling her experiences with Christians throughout her life. To keep her confidence I will not share specifics, but they were horrific. Long story short, her family was "kicked out of the church" for committing a sin. She attended a private school where some history subjects and sciences weren't taught because they didn't believe in it. There are so many things I, and many other Christians, could say to this church and this school, but I'll refrain.
The "somewhere in between" explained how he has never known a good atheist. He's never had anything but "poor experiences." Then again, he hates denominations. He hates the technicalities of religions. He believes it divides us. So he's concluded to be somewhere in between. This breaks my heart also.
I don't want yall to think that I sat there and kept my beliefs quiet the whole time, because I didn't. I quietly listened to them because it sounded like no one's ever listened to them before. I believe it's an extremely prevalent handicap in our current society. When a person gains enough courage to share their beliefs, the listening party simply responds with their own beliefs, then the cycle continues. Nobody is listening anymore.
This is when I spoke up. Not about my beliefs, but about theirs. I addressed the atheist's points first. She refuses religion because the people who mistreated her and her family fit the label "religious." The "somewhere in between" guy has chosen to stay in the middle because he has endured mistreatment from both parties. What I hate about society lies within this conversation. We allow these labels to divide us. Those excluded from the category, therefore lacking complete understanding, stereotype others due to the negative experiences they've had with a small fraction of the people who do associate with this label.
We have to remember that our experiences are limited and do not reflect an accurate sample of a particular group of people. Yes, our experiences shape us into the people we are. However, we cannot allow our experiences to limit our knowledge and understanding. Furthermore, we cannot allow our experiences to limit our drive for further knowledge and understanding.
Though parts of this meeting broke my heart, it is one of my fondest memories. An atheist, an unknown, a Christian, and a somewhere in between sat together in one room and had a conversation about their beliefs without getting angry. We simply talked and simply listened. It was a wonderful reminder that we're all still humans, no matter how different our beliefs may be.

Journal Entry: September 23, 2015

On my way to class today I began thinking about this verse:

     "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26-33 ESV

     It's scary! I've always interpreted it as 'if you want to be a disciple, you have to hate everything about your life except God.' I've even heard sermons that preach something along the lines of 'if God asks you to give up your family, friends, etc. you have to do it, or else." It's never made any sense to me because I consider a lot of things in my life as blessings, especially my family and friends. I love and cherish many parts of my life. Why do I have to give them up in order to follow Jesus?
     Then I hopped on a different train of thought. I believe Jesus was actually conveying something of a completely different nature: God wants us to remove all the practices, people, materialistic treasures, etc. that inhibit our walk with Christ.
     Imagine Christ is walking 100 yards in front of you and you're supposed to follow behind Him. However, there are heaping piles of junk and clutter all in your path. You can barely see him now. As you dodge all the garbage in your way, Christ gets further and further away. You can't see Him anymore, so is He really still there? Doubt starts creeping in as the clutter grows. Your problems are beyond your control now. If only you had simply cleared out your path before it overwhelmed you.
     Turns out, removing all that stuff isn't so simple. Maybe you're in a relationship past its expiration date, but it's been so long you can't just leave it. Maybe it's an addiction or a constant temptation. Maybe it's a friend who too easily persuades you to participate in activities you normally wouldn't.
     Maybe you're like I was. You don't know what the cause is, but you feel the symptoms of distance. You feel yourself put priorities in front of Him. You feel Him become an acquaintance, rather than a close friend. Growth halts and frustration sets in. It wasn't until I dropped a major piece of clutter in my life that I realized what exactly was inhibiting my relationship with Christ. I had hit a glass wall standing between me and Christ. I didn't know it was there until I finally knocked it down. 
     I don't want anyone to feel like they're stuck. I don't want anyone to feel like they're walking in quick sand, chained to the life they have right now. Christ is waiting for you. He's been there the whole time. Remove those heaping piles of junk and clutter from your path, and begin following Jesus again. Once you knock down your glass wall, you'll experience an indescribable kind of freedom. I promise.
    

Journal Entry - 8/19/15: "Trying Not to Try"

      Today was my first day as a sophomore at UAH. In my second class of the day, one of the required readings was titled Trying Not To Try. This title triggered many thoughts in my mind. First Thought: it's impossible. It contradicts itself. Second Thought: Why try if trying is the opposite of your goal? Third Thought: This sounds familiar.
     I, along with millions of other women, are plagued with conflicting influences. Each explicitly describes how to live and look; however, each disagrees entirely with the others. One voice says we must look like the conventionally beautiful women in the media: skinny (but not too skinny) and curvy (but proportional). That's what a woman should look like. Differ from it and you're labelled strange, weird, unattractive, etc. However, don't be boring. You have to be funny, confident, unique, and edgy. Woah, but not too edgy. That's weird.
     The voice that this title most resembles is a growing voice in today's society that no one seems to recognize. It says things like: "Don't spend an hour on your hair. Why do you care so much?" "Don't wear eyeliner to a basketball game? Who are you trying to impress?" People seem to believe that the cure for insecurity is simply telling someone they shouldn't care. And we seem to believe it. We care so much about appearing carefree. We try so hard to not try. See the conflict?
     I didn't my junior year of high school. My daily school attire was consistently one of my dad's tshirts/sweatshirts and yoga pants. My hair was always up and my face always naked. Sounds like I didn't care much about my appearance, right? That I was so comfortable with the way I looked that I could wear my dad's clothes and feel just fine? Wrong. That appearance may have convinced my classmates, but I never once convinced myself. I never felt beautiful. I never even felt okay with my appearance at school that year. But I did feel unnoticed, unimportant, and very average. I've never felt worse for myself. I had to admit to myself that it's okay to wear things that compliment my figure. It's okay if clothes abide by my style and not societies. It doesn't mean that I want attention. It doesn't make me wrong.
     And the solution to this problem lies within ourselves. We know how mean girls can be because we're one of them. The next time you see a girl wearing a dress and heels to your 8 am class on a rainy Monday, don't roll your eyes. There's a reason why she wore that. That's what makes her feel beautiful. And when you see a girl wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt to church, don't look down on her. There's a reason why she wore that too.
     It's okay to try and it's okay to care. And it's okay to do neither. But trying not to try is only a lie to yourself and others around you. It masks the parts that separate you from everyone else. Normality is a myth. Wear what makes you feel beautiful. Do what makes you happy. But most of all, don't judge someone else because their "beautiful" and their "happy" is different from yours.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi

Quote

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know." -Ernest Hemingway

What Math Has Taught Me About Insecurity

     I am currently taking a math course, which is something I most always loathe (yes, I am the stereotypical English major). However, this is progress because, as of thirty minutes ago, I've evolved from always loathing math to most always loathing math. My reasoning for this hatred is far too long and excessive for one blog post, but I'll sum it up to one reason - I hate that it teaches people that there can only be one answer to a problem. It doesn't transfer to the real world accurately at all. For example, if I am going through a really hard 'problem' in my life - let's say debt - I don't want one answer haunting my every move - bankruptcy. It's false and it's debilitating.
    However, as of thirty minutes ago, math has taught me something that is truly life-changing - there is always an answer. While mulling over this, I applied it to a difficult 'problem' I've been facing recently - insecurity. I realized what has kept me from solving it is that I haven't defined my problem yet. As math teaches, you must have an equation before you can solve for the variable.
     So I came up with an equation - 'insecurity, (n.)- the product of one's refusal to accept their flaws multiplied by their disregard to recognize their talents, assets, and/or abilities'
     Many people say insecurity is the opposite of loving yourself. I disagree. Kinda. You have to cancel out both issues in the equation to solve for the variable - insecurity. Not only must we recognize our 'talents, assets, and/or abilities,' but we must also accept our flaws. Conquering only one part either leaves us with fake feelings of mediocrity or perfection, which both end in a downfall. Why is this? Because they are both wrong answers. Yes, insecurity is helped by loving ourselves; but it's cured by accepting our flaws as well.
     Thirty minutes ago, I never thought math would give me an answer to real-life problems, especially my own. However, if there's one thing math teaches us, it is this: for every problem, there is always a solution.

"The essence of mathematics is not to make simple things complicated, but to make complicated things simple.  ~S. Gudder"

My Mask - My [anonymous] Friend

My wonderfully talented and very close, anonymous best friend wrote this poem. It's a tragic yet beautiful story that is unfortunately relatable to many. She didn't spend hours over the correct syntax or word choice, as I do. Rather, she was simply feeling. Those feelings arranged words on a paper to express themselves, and she trusted me to read them in confidence. I believe feelings are common, though private among people. But literature is a way to bring together those that share these commonalities, without breaking any trust or causing any embarrassment. So, with her permission, I am sharing them with you all.

I wear a mask

It covers how I really feel

My smile is painted on

Behind the mask, tears run down my face

Do I look happy?

Society created this mask for me.

All the questions...

All the judgemental stares

"Why are you sad?"

"Why are you in pain?"

My mask stops these questions,

These judgemental stares

Some days my mask is hard to put on

I just want someone to talk to

Someone to listen to me as I let every emotion out

Some days I wish I could just blend into the background

That my mask would encompass my entire body

The mask I wear hides my pain, but it's still there

I still feel abandoned, alone, and worthless

My mask does not erase the pain, it only represses it

Will it ever go away?

Will I ever not miss you?

Time to put my mask back on

Really, I'm fine.

Quote

"You are so good. So good, you're always feeling so much. And sometimes it feels like you're gonna bust wide open from all the feeling, doesn't it? People like you are the best in the world, but you sure do suffer for it."

Journal Entry - May 20th, 2015

The oxymoronic fact that people can be tired, and yet cannot fall asleep proves that opposite emotions can coexist in a person. The world, including people, was created deeper than black-and-white descriptions. And what a blessing it is. 

Imagine. 

Imagine a world where there were only two choices. Two routes. In everything - two colleges, two jobs, two names, two words, two colors... Our world would resemble a black-and-white television. We would never be able to utter the phrase "I love you."

It sounds ridiculous right? If this scenario is so outlandish, why does our world often offer yes-or-no, black-and-white, true-or-false, and A-or-B solutions? War and submission. Love and hate. Legalization and criminalization. 

Wake up and take in the world God created. He made the rainbow of colors because not everything has to contrast. Sometimes things simply coexist equally. He created multiplicity in race, culture, personality, religion, appearance, language, etc. for this exact reason, but we corrupt it. The reality is God has never ranked anything. For example, first and last mean very different things in our culture today. However, Jesus Christ was referred to as the "Alpha and Omega," meaning "beginning and end." It conflicts in our minds, due to our false manipulation of the words. The truth is, we can't dumb down God's creation, including God's word, into something we can understand. We'll never understand Him. That's why He is God and we are us. That's why there is faith.

The grey area isn't all that grey.  Yes, diversity in our world means diverse problems. That also calls for diverse solutions. In addition, diversity means uncountable kinds of love, beauty, and passion. "Conflicting ideas" only exist because we manipulated "difference" to mean "oppose."

 I am both tired and unable to sleep. I wonder why, but I do not deny that in fact both feelings are happening at once. We accept the rainbow's mystifying beauty, with its array of very different colors coinciding equally within one body. We look at a rainbow as one of the most beautiful, natural phenomenons on our Earth. Imagine if we looked at diversity in the rest of our world under the same light. Imagine how beautiful Earth would appear. We must realize the beauty in the "grey area" because that's where our world exists.

Anonymous

Shakespeare: Sonnet 127:13-14

"Yet so they mourn, becoming of their woe, / That every tongue says beauty should look so."

These lines are the last of Shakespeare's 127th sonnet. Before these, he describes his love for a woman whose appearance doesn't fit the conventional mold of beauty. These lines struck me because it's the first time he describes how this utopian idea of beauty affects an imperfect woman. Even in the 1500s and 1600s women compared their appearance to an unattainable one, which resulted in "woe" and "mourn[ing]." Though he loves her like an addiction, she still believes she is less than beautiful.

Women. It's time to love ourselves. We are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). God doesn't make mistakes. He put that freckle, that curl, that curve, that color, that smile there on purpose. You are the only you there is, has been, or will ever be. Own it. Believe it. And run with it. Be yourself because no one else has what you have. We all have the opportunity to be ourselves, but that doesn't mean the same thing for even two of us. Difference and inequality ARE NOT synonymous. 

"Beauty is fleeting," but love is forever (Proverbs 31:30). 

Love yourself, girl. You deserve it all.

Anonymous

Journal Entry: March 11th, 2015

"The closer people are to the truth, the more tolerant they are of the mistakes of others." -Leo Tolstoy

When I first read this quote, I disagreed. I thought about if my boyfriend told me he cheated or if someone told me they stole my car, I wouldn't automatically be tolerant of their actions.

Then I reread it but capitalized The Truth. It changes the whole quote. The Truth as in "the way and the truth and the life." The closer we are to Jesus "the more tolerant [we] are of the mistakes of others." The more we nourish our faith, whether it be through Bible study, worship, prayer, or service, the closer we get to The Truth. When we become close to Jesus, He inhabits and purifies our hearts. Only through this God-given spirit do we have the potential and ability to graciously and consistently forgive others as He does for us everyday. 

Christ died with all of humanity's sins on His shoulders so that we don't have to. We don't have to take our debt to the grave because it has already been paid in full. When we completely forgive others, we give a glimpse of Christ. When we make this a daily practice in our lives, those glimpses will eventually create a full picture for someone. Because of Jesus' sacrifice, this picture will not only change their life, but change their life eternally.

"Thomas said to Him, 'How can we know the way?' Jesus said,'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to The Father except through me.'" John 14:6

Quote

"I live in another world, and if you come near me, I will wrap you in it like a cloak of stars."

Quote

"I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today."

Quote

"I want to make beautiful things, even if nobody cares."

Quote

"He wants to say I love you,
but keeps it to goodnight
because love would mean some falling
and she's afraid of heights."

Wildflowers

If you walk out in a field of wildflowers, you won't just notice one wildflower. Why would you when there are thousands of wildflowers to see? But from each wildflower's perspective, they look up and only see you. They look around at all the others and think, "This person will never pick me. What are the chances out of all these wildflowers?" But you picked me. And I'll never get used to the feeling. 

Quote: Leo Tolstoy

"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."
- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Song Lyrics: Speakers - Sam Hunt

"The moonlight's tracing those tree tops across your face

There's a feeling in your eyes the shadows can't erase

The cool wind around us is breezing around us

Following my fingers through your hair

The engine is idling and girl this heat lightning is flashing

Pictures of you and burning them in my head"

 

     I know this is a well-known song by a well-known singer, but his imagery and word choice strikes a chord in my heart that no music ever could. This verse paints a beautiful, complex picture of  a simple, momentary instance - the whole point of descriptive literature. He takes an ordinary memory and vividly describes its detail with such perfection that it transitions to an extraordinary vision in your mind.

     Unlike a picture, which gives you the exact image the photographer or painter wants to portray, imagery gives you the description, the supplies, to paint the picture that best applies to you and your life. It's not just art, but it's your art.
     These few lines are a perfect example of the goal of descriptive literature. Sam Hunt gives worth to the ordinary - a talent everyone should strive to master. And I guess that's why I have fallen in love with literature. It's not just cool or pretty or interesting. Literature is what I want to be.

Family Night Essay

My English teacher assigned an essay on food recently. We were required to write about a sentimental meal and why it's so sentimental. I chose to write about one of my favorite traditions - Family Night. Most people have heard hilarious stories about Family Night through my mom and dad's Facebook page, but this essay really articulates the true meaning and value of Family Night through my eyes.

It's the first time I've used an attachment on here so let me know if the attachment doesn't work and I'll try to post it another way!

Family Night Essay

Our Eyes, Our Story

You can tell a lot about a person by their eyes. By the creases surrounding them, by the expressions shown through them, and by the unique smorgasbord of colors in them.
My mom has emerald eyes with splashes of yellow and brown. Her eyes look like nature to me. And they flawlessly describe her too. From her yellow joy to her green faith, my mom is a natural. Naturally happy, naturally loving, naturally faithful.
My dad has summer eyes. Slowly fading from the chlorine blue of a relaxing pool, to the deep navy of the ocean by the pupil. They speak a lot about who he is as a man. He's laid back and gentle at the surface, but as you get closer to his core you realize he's much deeper than he appeared. Deep with wisdom and faith and love.
My eyes are a perfect mixture of my parents' eyes and they describe me too. Around the exterior you'll find my dad's ocean, but draw closer to my core and you'll find my mom's nature. My eyes stand as a symbol of their love. Their life, instead of their lives. I like my eyes because they tell my story, and their's too.

Journal: January 8, 2015

At 12:30 in the afternoon, my car reads it is 16 degrees in Huntsville. My nose is numb. My ears are beet red. I could go on and on. Even though it's cold, it's a beautiful day. The sky is this bright, happy blue, encompassing our world. There isn't a cloud in the sky and the sun burns bright, even though it doesn't seem to warm much right now. The truth is, even if the sky was cloud covered and pouring down rain, beyond that the sun would still burn bright. Though my skin is cold and numb and unpleasant in this moment, a beautiful world surrounds me.
When adversity strikes and it feels like nothing beautiful can be found in it, remember there is something beautiful beyond it. Momentary adversity goes away with time. The clouds will part again, and again you will witness the Sun burning bright. Even when you can't sense His presence or see Him burning bright, He is always there. Bright and happy, He encompasses our world.
Whenever you need a reminder of what's beyond, look up at the sky and remember God doesn't stop at the horizons of our world, but encompasses it. We are in the palm of His hand.

"I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

Journal: December 8, 2014

Took a study break to write a little prayer. As I laid my pen down, an instrumental version of Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing began to play on my Pandora. People say "you can't see God" or "God doesn't answer me". Maybe God is too perfect to be seen or heard or felt by our imperfect senses. Maybe God is too beautiful to be sensed by anything other than our hearts. Instead of opening our eyes to find God or opening our ears to hear God, let's open our hearts and allow His inhabitance there.

"Here's my heart, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"

Forever Changed

It was distant, like a dream
Its sound faint, Its memories engraved
Love
It was a Tragic Thing

time healed the heart once spotless
the scars remain indelibly
mind once hopeful and naive
learned to be cautious and speculating

once her Happiness, morphed into her Reminder
once her Love, morphed into her Hate
her heart was a broken vase reassembled
fragile, weak, and forever changed.

-

there It was, except not Tragic anymore
only a glint of It, but It allowed hope
caution and speculation had fled
Happiness has returned with a different face

no longer distant, but familiar
no longer faintly heart, but strongly felt
that Dim Glint matured into this Illuminating Beam
Love had returned with a different emotion

even when He's gone, He remains
because He fills her heart and mind
He is the glue which molded her vase
now confident, strong, and forever changed