Before bed every night I spend some time reading a devotion/my Bible and I pray until I fall asleep. I maintained this habit when I moved home for the summer in May. After a few weeks home, I still felt empty. I still didn't feel close to God. I didn't feel on fire for Jesus like I usually do when I'm disciplined about spending daily time with God.
Most of you know that I am normally in a long distance relationship for 9 months out of the year. The other 3 months I live at home during summer vacation. After a few weeks at home, when I realized I still felt empty, I also felt like my relationships with my boyfriend, my friends, and my family weren't rekindled in the seamless way that I had anticipated in the previous months. It was honestly very depressing.
One night before bed I began searching my Bible for answers. In my search, I found a prayer that began with the exclamation: "Abide in me!". I then began focusing on Biblical prayers and many had phrases that closely resembled this one. This lead me to examine my own prayer life. As I read through my prayer journal, I realized how rearranged my priorities were. The thing I prayed for the most was for my relationship with Sammy, then followed my relationships with my friends and family. Only sporadically did I pray for my own heart or for my walk with Christ.
Following this realization, I began praying throughout the day and into the night for God to allow his Holy Spirit to abide in me. That simple prayer over and over was all it took. Not only did I see a drastic change in my relationship with Christ, but it overflowed into my relationships with other people. I became gentler in my relationships because patience yielded room for deeper understanding.
The biggest difference I noticed in my relationships was that I didn't have the urge to fight every possible battle. Here's an example: My mom just asked me 10 questions in a row without giving me the chance to answer any of them. I could lose my temper because she knows this annoys me; however, she's not trying to annoy me. She's just curious. Blowing up on her would do more harm to our relationship than good. I'll just answer her questions.
It was like I finally trained my emotions to walk on a leash instead of letting them drag me all over the place and into situations I didn't want to be. Even though I was 'justified' in creating a battle, I didn't feel the need to fight it. I felt the Holy Spirit in me, pouring Jesus' grace into my heart.
I am not saying that I've got it all figured out now. I am definitely still a HUGE work in progress. But I do know this: when my priorities are in order, I maintain a growing relationship with Jesus. And as I grow in Christ, my relationships with others blossom.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Journal Entry: January 25, 2016
As most of you know, I'm currently in a (semi) long-distance relationship. We've never been dating and living
in the same place at the same time. Because of our circumstances, I
often catch myself eagerly anticipating graduating college and moving
back home, where he is, because it seems like life will be so much
easier that way. It wasn't until yesterday that I finally had the
realization I'm about to share with you.
Last night I was looking through my Bible for verses that had to do with purpose. I soon found that these verses also said a lot about God's timing. It finally hit me. Maybe me and Sammy are meant to be physically apart most of the time right now. Maybe God needs to teach me something in Huntsville, and Sammy something in Birmingham. I read further.
There are multiple times in the Bible where God makes His people wait. There are also multiple times where He surprises them at inopportune times. In Acts, His people ask "Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom of Israel?" To which He replies, "It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."
In Galatians, Paul writes "when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons."
In both of these examples God followed through for His people just as He promised. He knew He would, but it all depended on their faith that He would. In Lamentations it says "the Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Waiting for God and trusting His timing is one of the most faithful things we can do as Christians. It's a humbling, yet comforting experience when we say "Lord, I trust you and your plan for my life."
If you feel you're in a waiting season in your life, take a step back and a deep breath. God has a plan for you. Trust that He knows what He's doing. He's given us every reason to believe that He does. We can only see our little fraction of the world, but God can see the past, present, and future of every fraction in His creation. Trust His perspective.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:11
Last night I was looking through my Bible for verses that had to do with purpose. I soon found that these verses also said a lot about God's timing. It finally hit me. Maybe me and Sammy are meant to be physically apart most of the time right now. Maybe God needs to teach me something in Huntsville, and Sammy something in Birmingham. I read further.
There are multiple times in the Bible where God makes His people wait. There are also multiple times where He surprises them at inopportune times. In Acts, His people ask "Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom of Israel?" To which He replies, "It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."
In Galatians, Paul writes "when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons."
In both of these examples God followed through for His people just as He promised. He knew He would, but it all depended on their faith that He would. In Lamentations it says "the Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Waiting for God and trusting His timing is one of the most faithful things we can do as Christians. It's a humbling, yet comforting experience when we say "Lord, I trust you and your plan for my life."
If you feel you're in a waiting season in your life, take a step back and a deep breath. God has a plan for you. Trust that He knows what He's doing. He's given us every reason to believe that He does. We can only see our little fraction of the world, but God can see the past, present, and future of every fraction in His creation. Trust His perspective.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:11
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Journal Entry
For my Ethics class, we are required to visit office hours twice during the semester. I went to my second meeting today and two other students were in there. The room consisted of an outspoken atheist, a devout Christian, a "somewhere between the two," and an unknown. As it often does in philosophy classes, religion came up in our conversation. It started with the atheist recalling her experiences with Christians throughout her life. To keep her confidence I will not share specifics, but they were horrific. Long story short, her family was "kicked out of the church" for committing a sin. She attended a private school where some history subjects and sciences weren't taught because they didn't believe in it. There are so many things I, and many other Christians, could say to this church and this school, but I'll refrain.
The "somewhere in between" explained how he has never known a good atheist. He's never had anything but "poor experiences." Then again, he hates denominations. He hates the technicalities of religions. He believes it divides us. So he's concluded to be somewhere in between. This breaks my heart also.
I don't want yall to think that I sat there and kept my beliefs quiet the whole time, because I didn't. I quietly listened to them because it sounded like no one's ever listened to them before. I believe it's an extremely prevalent handicap in our current society. When a person gains enough courage to share their beliefs, the listening party simply responds with their own beliefs, then the cycle continues. Nobody is listening anymore.
This is when I spoke up. Not about my beliefs, but about theirs. I addressed the atheist's points first. She refuses religion because the people who mistreated her and her family fit the label "religious." The "somewhere in between" guy has chosen to stay in the middle because he has endured mistreatment from both parties. What I hate about society lies within this conversation. We allow these labels to divide us. Those excluded from the category, therefore lacking complete understanding, stereotype others due to the negative experiences they've had with a small fraction of the people who do associate with this label.
We have to remember that our experiences are limited and do not reflect an accurate sample of a particular group of people. Yes, our experiences shape us into the people we are. However, we cannot allow our experiences to limit our knowledge and understanding. Furthermore, we cannot allow our experiences to limit our drive for further knowledge and understanding.
Though parts of this meeting broke my heart, it is one of my fondest memories. An atheist, an unknown, a Christian, and a somewhere in between sat together in one room and had a conversation about their beliefs without getting angry. We simply talked and simply listened. It was a wonderful reminder that we're all still humans, no matter how different our beliefs may be.
The "somewhere in between" explained how he has never known a good atheist. He's never had anything but "poor experiences." Then again, he hates denominations. He hates the technicalities of religions. He believes it divides us. So he's concluded to be somewhere in between. This breaks my heart also.
I don't want yall to think that I sat there and kept my beliefs quiet the whole time, because I didn't. I quietly listened to them because it sounded like no one's ever listened to them before. I believe it's an extremely prevalent handicap in our current society. When a person gains enough courage to share their beliefs, the listening party simply responds with their own beliefs, then the cycle continues. Nobody is listening anymore.
This is when I spoke up. Not about my beliefs, but about theirs. I addressed the atheist's points first. She refuses religion because the people who mistreated her and her family fit the label "religious." The "somewhere in between" guy has chosen to stay in the middle because he has endured mistreatment from both parties. What I hate about society lies within this conversation. We allow these labels to divide us. Those excluded from the category, therefore lacking complete understanding, stereotype others due to the negative experiences they've had with a small fraction of the people who do associate with this label.
We have to remember that our experiences are limited and do not reflect an accurate sample of a particular group of people. Yes, our experiences shape us into the people we are. However, we cannot allow our experiences to limit our knowledge and understanding. Furthermore, we cannot allow our experiences to limit our drive for further knowledge and understanding.
Though parts of this meeting broke my heart, it is one of my fondest memories. An atheist, an unknown, a Christian, and a somewhere in between sat together in one room and had a conversation about their beliefs without getting angry. We simply talked and simply listened. It was a wonderful reminder that we're all still humans, no matter how different our beliefs may be.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Journal Entry: September 23, 2015
On my way to class today I began thinking about this verse:
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26-33 ESV
It's scary! I've always interpreted it as 'if you want to be a disciple, you have to hate everything about your life except God.' I've even heard sermons that preach something along the lines of 'if God asks you to give up your family, friends, etc. you have to do it, or else." It's never made any sense to me because I consider a lot of things in my life as blessings, especially my family and friends. I love and cherish many parts of my life. Why do I have to give them up in order to follow Jesus?
Then I hopped on a different train of thought. I believe Jesus was actually conveying something of a completely different nature: God wants us to remove all the practices, people, materialistic treasures, etc. that inhibit our walk with Christ.
Imagine Christ is walking 100 yards in front of you and you're supposed to follow behind Him. However, there are heaping piles of junk and clutter all in your path. You can barely see him now. As you dodge all the garbage in your way, Christ gets further and further away. You can't see Him anymore, so is He really still there? Doubt starts creeping in as the clutter grows. Your problems are beyond your control now. If only you had simply cleared out your path before it overwhelmed you.
Turns out, removing all that stuff isn't so simple. Maybe you're in a relationship past its expiration date, but it's been so long you can't just leave it. Maybe it's an addiction or a constant temptation. Maybe it's a friend who too easily persuades you to participate in activities you normally wouldn't.
Maybe you're like I was. You don't know what the cause is, but you feel the symptoms of distance. You feel yourself put priorities in front of Him. You feel Him become an acquaintance, rather than a close friend. Growth halts and frustration sets in. It wasn't until I dropped a major piece of clutter in my life that I realized what exactly was inhibiting my relationship with Christ. I had hit a glass wall standing between me and Christ. I didn't know it was there until I finally knocked it down.
I don't want anyone to feel like they're stuck. I don't want anyone to feel like they're walking in quick sand, chained to the life they have right now. Christ is waiting for you. He's been there the whole time. Remove those heaping piles of junk and clutter from your path, and begin following Jesus again. Once you knock down your glass wall, you'll experience an indescribable kind of freedom. I promise.
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26-33 ESV
It's scary! I've always interpreted it as 'if you want to be a disciple, you have to hate everything about your life except God.' I've even heard sermons that preach something along the lines of 'if God asks you to give up your family, friends, etc. you have to do it, or else." It's never made any sense to me because I consider a lot of things in my life as blessings, especially my family and friends. I love and cherish many parts of my life. Why do I have to give them up in order to follow Jesus?
Then I hopped on a different train of thought. I believe Jesus was actually conveying something of a completely different nature: God wants us to remove all the practices, people, materialistic treasures, etc. that inhibit our walk with Christ.
Imagine Christ is walking 100 yards in front of you and you're supposed to follow behind Him. However, there are heaping piles of junk and clutter all in your path. You can barely see him now. As you dodge all the garbage in your way, Christ gets further and further away. You can't see Him anymore, so is He really still there? Doubt starts creeping in as the clutter grows. Your problems are beyond your control now. If only you had simply cleared out your path before it overwhelmed you.
Turns out, removing all that stuff isn't so simple. Maybe you're in a relationship past its expiration date, but it's been so long you can't just leave it. Maybe it's an addiction or a constant temptation. Maybe it's a friend who too easily persuades you to participate in activities you normally wouldn't.
Maybe you're like I was. You don't know what the cause is, but you feel the symptoms of distance. You feel yourself put priorities in front of Him. You feel Him become an acquaintance, rather than a close friend. Growth halts and frustration sets in. It wasn't until I dropped a major piece of clutter in my life that I realized what exactly was inhibiting my relationship with Christ. I had hit a glass wall standing between me and Christ. I didn't know it was there until I finally knocked it down.
I don't want anyone to feel like they're stuck. I don't want anyone to feel like they're walking in quick sand, chained to the life they have right now. Christ is waiting for you. He's been there the whole time. Remove those heaping piles of junk and clutter from your path, and begin following Jesus again. Once you knock down your glass wall, you'll experience an indescribable kind of freedom. I promise.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Journal Entry - 8/19/15: "Trying Not to Try"
Today was my first day as a sophomore at UAH. In my second class of the day, one of the required readings was titled Trying Not To Try. This title triggered many thoughts in my mind. First Thought: it's impossible. It contradicts itself. Second Thought: Why try if trying is the opposite of your goal? Third Thought: This sounds familiar.
I, along with millions of other women, are plagued with conflicting influences. Each explicitly describes how to live and look; however, each disagrees entirely with the others. One voice says we must look like the conventionally beautiful women in the media: skinny (but not too skinny) and curvy (but proportional). That's what a woman should look like. Differ from it and you're labelled strange, weird, unattractive, etc. However, don't be boring. You have to be funny, confident, unique, and edgy. Woah, but not too edgy. That's weird.
The voice that this title most resembles is a growing voice in today's society that no one seems to recognize. It says things like: "Don't spend an hour on your hair. Why do you care so much?" "Don't wear eyeliner to a basketball game? Who are you trying to impress?" People seem to believe that the cure for insecurity is simply telling someone they shouldn't care. And we seem to believe it. We care so much about appearing carefree. We try so hard to not try. See the conflict?
I didn't my junior year of high school. My daily school attire was consistently one of my dad's tshirts/sweatshirts and yoga pants. My hair was always up and my face always naked. Sounds like I didn't care much about my appearance, right? That I was so comfortable with the way I looked that I could wear my dad's clothes and feel just fine? Wrong. That appearance may have convinced my classmates, but I never once convinced myself. I never felt beautiful. I never even felt okay with my appearance at school that year. But I did feel unnoticed, unimportant, and very average. I've never felt worse for myself. I had to admit to myself that it's okay to wear things that compliment my figure. It's okay if clothes abide by my style and not societies. It doesn't mean that I want attention. It doesn't make me wrong.
And the solution to this problem lies within ourselves. We know how mean girls can be because we're one of them. The next time you see a girl wearing a dress and heels to your 8 am class on a rainy Monday, don't roll your eyes. There's a reason why she wore that. That's what makes her feel beautiful. And when you see a girl wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt to church, don't look down on her. There's a reason why she wore that too.
It's okay to try and it's okay to care. And it's okay to do neither. But trying not to try is only a lie to yourself and others around you. It masks the parts that separate you from everyone else. Normality is a myth. Wear what makes you feel beautiful. Do what makes you happy. But most of all, don't judge someone else because their "beautiful" and their "happy" is different from yours.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi
I, along with millions of other women, are plagued with conflicting influences. Each explicitly describes how to live and look; however, each disagrees entirely with the others. One voice says we must look like the conventionally beautiful women in the media: skinny (but not too skinny) and curvy (but proportional). That's what a woman should look like. Differ from it and you're labelled strange, weird, unattractive, etc. However, don't be boring. You have to be funny, confident, unique, and edgy. Woah, but not too edgy. That's weird.
The voice that this title most resembles is a growing voice in today's society that no one seems to recognize. It says things like: "Don't spend an hour on your hair. Why do you care so much?" "Don't wear eyeliner to a basketball game? Who are you trying to impress?" People seem to believe that the cure for insecurity is simply telling someone they shouldn't care. And we seem to believe it. We care so much about appearing carefree. We try so hard to not try. See the conflict?
I didn't my junior year of high school. My daily school attire was consistently one of my dad's tshirts/sweatshirts and yoga pants. My hair was always up and my face always naked. Sounds like I didn't care much about my appearance, right? That I was so comfortable with the way I looked that I could wear my dad's clothes and feel just fine? Wrong. That appearance may have convinced my classmates, but I never once convinced myself. I never felt beautiful. I never even felt okay with my appearance at school that year. But I did feel unnoticed, unimportant, and very average. I've never felt worse for myself. I had to admit to myself that it's okay to wear things that compliment my figure. It's okay if clothes abide by my style and not societies. It doesn't mean that I want attention. It doesn't make me wrong.
And the solution to this problem lies within ourselves. We know how mean girls can be because we're one of them. The next time you see a girl wearing a dress and heels to your 8 am class on a rainy Monday, don't roll your eyes. There's a reason why she wore that. That's what makes her feel beautiful. And when you see a girl wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt to church, don't look down on her. There's a reason why she wore that too.
It's okay to try and it's okay to care. And it's okay to do neither. But trying not to try is only a lie to yourself and others around you. It masks the parts that separate you from everyone else. Normality is a myth. Wear what makes you feel beautiful. Do what makes you happy. But most of all, don't judge someone else because their "beautiful" and their "happy" is different from yours.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi
Friday, August 7, 2015
Quote
"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know." -Ernest Hemingway
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
What Math Has Taught Me About Insecurity
I am currently taking a math course, which is something I most always loathe (yes, I am the stereotypical English major). However, this is progress because, as of thirty minutes ago, I've evolved from always loathing math to most always loathing math. My reasoning for this hatred is far too long and excessive for one blog post, but I'll sum it up to one reason - I hate that it teaches people that there can only be one answer to a problem. It doesn't transfer to the real world accurately at all. For example, if I am going through a really hard 'problem' in my life - let's say debt - I don't want one answer haunting my every move - bankruptcy. It's false and it's debilitating.
However, as of thirty minutes ago, math has taught me something that is truly life-changing - there is always an answer. While mulling over this, I applied it to a difficult 'problem' I've been facing recently - insecurity. I realized what has kept me from solving it is that I haven't defined my problem yet. As math teaches, you must have an equation before you can solve for the variable.
So I came up with an equation - 'insecurity, (n.)- the product of one's refusal to accept their flaws multiplied by their disregard to recognize their talents, assets, and/or abilities'
Many people say insecurity is the opposite of loving yourself. I disagree. Kinda. You have to cancel out both issues in the equation to solve for the variable - insecurity. Not only must we recognize our 'talents, assets, and/or abilities,' but we must also accept our flaws. Conquering only one part either leaves us with fake feelings of mediocrity or perfection, which both end in a downfall. Why is this? Because they are both wrong answers. Yes, insecurity is helped by loving ourselves; but it's cured by accepting our flaws as well.
Thirty minutes ago, I never thought math would give me an answer to real-life problems, especially my own. However, if there's one thing math teaches us, it is this: for every problem, there is always a solution.
However, as of thirty minutes ago, math has taught me something that is truly life-changing - there is always an answer. While mulling over this, I applied it to a difficult 'problem' I've been facing recently - insecurity. I realized what has kept me from solving it is that I haven't defined my problem yet. As math teaches, you must have an equation before you can solve for the variable.
So I came up with an equation - 'insecurity, (n.)- the product of one's refusal to accept their flaws multiplied by their disregard to recognize their talents, assets, and/or abilities'
Many people say insecurity is the opposite of loving yourself. I disagree. Kinda. You have to cancel out both issues in the equation to solve for the variable - insecurity. Not only must we recognize our 'talents, assets, and/or abilities,' but we must also accept our flaws. Conquering only one part either leaves us with fake feelings of mediocrity or perfection, which both end in a downfall. Why is this? Because they are both wrong answers. Yes, insecurity is helped by loving ourselves; but it's cured by accepting our flaws as well.
Thirty minutes ago, I never thought math would give me an answer to real-life problems, especially my own. However, if there's one thing math teaches us, it is this: for every problem, there is always a solution.
"The essence of mathematics is not to make simple things complicated, but to make complicated things simple. ~S. Gudder"
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