My feed:
- Graduated from UAH with Summa Cum Laude on my diploma
- Job straight out of college at James Clemens High School, which is part of the second highest ranked school system in AL
- Trip to Boston
- Trip to Chattanooga (x2)
- Trip to Atlanta
- Trip to Greenville, SC (x3)
- Trip to Ashville, NC
- Rented my first place/financial independence
- Learning to cook
- Learning to be handy
- Decorating an apartment
- Became a member of a church
- Joined a small group
My reality:
- Unexpected breakup with boyfriend of 4 years
- Panic attacks
- Financial struggle
- Therapy
- Moved away from the city I wanted to call home
- Moved away from the church I wanted to call home
- Moved away from my family
- Weakest workout regimen to date
- More panic attacks
- More therapy
The reason I listed all of that out was not to obtain sympathy or envy. I included those lists because social media is deceptive in every. single. case. I took a break from social media because there was a time in the past 8 months where social media's "positivity" would've been very destructive. I recommend it to anyone struggling with anxiety, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, weight issues, etc. Sometimes you don't need that positivity in your life, and you aren't weak if you have to admit that.
In the past eight months I've gone through some of the darkest and developmental times in my life. I was truly knocked down to my foundation, and I'm still rebuilding. There was a point I was so terrified of my own mind that I would talk to my mother on my way to work and on my way home until she walked through the front door. I joined a small group, and in the first meeting I started to have a panic attack in front of what was a group of strangers. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt like a victim.
But I healed.
And I will continue to heal.
If you know me at all, you know I'm a planner. If you knew me eight months ago, you know I was a compulsive planner. If you asked me eight months ago, I could've told you my whole-life plan down to the paint color in my future living room. I put all of my security in my expectations. I fell in love with potential. Then, God stripped away everything from my unwilling, defiant hands. Every detail of my life plan vanished in the fall. And, as you can see from the list above, I panicked.This is when God taught me one of the hardest, most crucial lessons I've ever learned: He is truly all I need. It's so simple to say, yet so difficult to believe.
But God didn't leave me there. He carried me through it. He pruned my branches down to the quick because I had built my security out of human expectation. When your foundation is made out of imperfect material, your structure is doomed to collapse. (God just decided to use a wrecking ball on me, I guess.)
If you're going through something (everyone), here's my imperfect list of lessons I've learned over the past eight months. Sorry for the abrupt ending. I'm hungry.
- Progress doesn't happen in a straight line. There are peaks and valleys in your data points, but you're still on an upward trend. Look up any graph of any kind of recovery, and you'll see what I'm talking about.
- Forgive yourself.
- Just because you didn't cry yesterday, but you did today, doesn't mean you took a step backwards. That progress still counts. See previous point.
- Just because your expectation wasn't met, doesn't mean you lost. It doesn't mean you weren't enough to make it happen. You didn't fail.
- Surround yourself with people who will be exactly what you need. Sometimes you need silence; sometimes you need distraction; sometimes you need advice; sometimes you need reinforcement; sometimes you need a tear-whiper; sometimes you need a cheerleader. Find people who will be what you need without trying to fulfill any other agenda.
- Forgive people who say unhelpful things to you. They are trying to help, but they don't know how. It's a helpless feeling. Try not to be offended.
And here's a list for people specifically going through a breakup.
- Delete social media. At least for a little while.
- You are not lesser than others because your relationship didn't work out. You are not a second-class person because you didn't get it right the first, second, third, etc. time. You are more than enough for someone. On the other side of the same token, people who are getting engaged/married right now are not winners. Engagement/marriage is not an accomplishment. That is a step in a relationship, not a prize that goes on your resume.
- It is okay to feel grief in many different ways. You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are rebuilding. That comes with an array of emotions.
- Practice saying your response when people ask "So how are you and ________?". Also, you will live through it. I promise.
- Fill that newly vacant time with a healthy distraction.
- Do not give yourself a timeline. You will heal deeper and quicker if you allow yourself to progress naturally.
- Do not feel guilty for going on a date whenever you do decide to go on one. You are allowed to stop viewing yourself as a victim whenever you feel like it. And forgive yourself on this date. This is newly chartered territory, so you're going to be clumsy.
- Don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want to talk to someone who is "making it." No one should go through a breakup alone.
