Scaring Myself

Tonight I said something before filtering it through my brain, and it scared me. It went something like this: “I really hope I get to experience _____________ (broken part of me; you could fill the blank with "freedom") before Jesus comes back, *laughs* but I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.”

There are a lot of things wrong with this, so I’ll go one at a time.

In admitting this sentence, I realized a new stronghold within my heart I had not fully realized until I uttered the previous statement - there are some parts of me I believe are out of God’s reach. I’ve always articulated that God can bring miracles out of the darkest situations because I am the living proof of that from multiple scenarios, but here I am subconsciously believing that I still embody exceptions to His promises. Though the details of this stronghold are probably different from others’, I think most, if not all, Christians struggle with this same subconscious hypocrisy: we believe in God’s promise(s) for others that we do not believe for ourselves.

So, I’m making a (no where near complete) list of his promises for ALL PARTS OF ME and for ALL PARTS OF YOU:

> God promises to do the impossible.

“But he said, ‘The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” Luke 18:27

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

> God promises redemption and forgiveness.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a new heart.” Ezekiel 36:26

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

“He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:19

> God promises prosperity.

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ … For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:31-34

“If I will not open for you the windows of the heavens and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field.” Malachi 3:10-11

> God promises healing.

“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.” Jeremiah 30:17 (This means emotional ones too.)

> God promises guidance.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths, Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil.” Proverbs 3:5-7

> God promises peace.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6

“Great peace have those who love Your law, and nothing causes them to stumble.” Psalm 119:165

> God promises protection and deliverance.

“He shall cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid fo the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.” Psalm 91:4-6

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; you will stretch out Your hand again the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me.”

> God promises the second coming of Christ.

“I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” John 14:2-3

“God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

There are obviously many more examples and many more promises, but this is an overarching starting point. God has not forgotten you, and He has not forgotten me. He will use our dirtiest, most damaged parts for our good and His glory, but that process cannot begin until we COMPLETELY trust him with those pieces of ourselves. That part of you that you think is an immovable character trait or a relentless temptation, he can take that too. He evolves me everyday, and he will continue to do so. And isn’t that the greatest news? He’s no where near finished with us yet.

The Planner, Unplanned

For the past eight months, I have taken a break from social media for multiple reasons. I just got back on it last week. I feel it's important to share what you would've seen if I had stayed active vs. my reality for the past eight months.

My feed:

• Graduated from UAH with Summa Cum Laude on my diploma
• Job straight out of college at James Clemens High School, which is part of the second highest ranked school system in AL
• Trip to Boston
• Trip to Chattanooga (x2)
• Trip to Atlanta
• Trip to Greenville, SC (x3)
• Trip to Ashville, NC
• Rented my first place/financial independence
• Learning to cook
• Learning to be handy
• Decorating an apartment
• Became a member of a church
• Joined a small group

My reality:

• Unexpected breakup with boyfriend of 4 years
• Panic attacks
• Financial struggle
• Therapy
• Moved away from the city I wanted to call home
• Moved away from the church I wanted to call home
• Moved away from my family
• Weakest workout regimen to date
• More panic attacks
• More therapy

The reason I listed all of that out was not to obtain sympathy or envy. I included those lists because social media is deceptive in every. single. case. I took a break from social media because there was a time in the past 8 months where social media's "positivity" would've been very destructive. I recommend it to anyone struggling with anxiety, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, weight issues, etc. Sometimes you don't need that positivity in your life, and you aren't weak if you have to admit that.

In the past eight months I've gone through some of the darkest and developmental times in my life. I was truly knocked down to my foundation, and I'm still rebuilding. There was a point I was so terrified of my own mind that I would talk to my mother on my way to work and on my way home until she walked through the front door. I joined a small group, and in the first meeting I started to have a panic attack in front of what was a group of strangers. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt like a victim.

But I healed.

And I will continue to heal.

If you know me at all, you know I'm a planner. If you knew me eight months ago, you know I was a compulsive planner. If you asked me eight months ago, I could've told you my whole-life plan down to the paint color in my future living room. I put all of my security in my expectations. I fell in love with potential. Then, God stripped away everything from my unwilling, defiant hands. Every detail of my life plan vanished in the fall. And, as you can see from the list above, I panicked.This is when God taught me one of the hardest, most crucial lessons I've ever learned: He is truly all I need. It's so simple to say, yet so difficult to believe.

But God didn't leave me there. He carried me through it. He pruned my branches down to the quick because I had built my security out of human expectation. When your foundation is made out of imperfect material, your structure is doomed to collapse. (God just decided to use a wrecking ball on me, I guess.)

If you're going through something (everyone), here's my imperfect list of lessons I've learned over the past eight months. Sorry for the abrupt ending. I'm hungry.

1. Progress doesn't happen in a straight line. There are peaks and valleys in your data points, but you're still on an upward trend. Look up any graph of any kind of recovery, and you'll see what I'm talking about.
2. Forgive yourself. 
1. Just because you didn't cry yesterday, but you did today, doesn't mean you took a step backwards. That progress still counts. See previous point.
2. Just because your expectation wasn't met, doesn't mean you lost. It doesn't mean you weren't enough to make it happen. You didn't fail.
3. Surround yourself with people who will be exactly what you need. Sometimes you need silence; sometimes you need distraction; sometimes you need advice; sometimes you need reinforcement; sometimes you need a tear-whiper; sometimes you need a cheerleader. Find people who will be what you need without trying to fulfill any other agenda.
4. Forgive people who say unhelpful things to you. They are trying to help, but they don't know how. It's a helpless feeling. Try not to be offended.

And here's a list for people specifically going through a breakup.

1. Delete social media. At least for a little while.
2. You are not lesser than others because your relationship didn't work out. You are not a second-class person because you didn't get it right the first, second, third, etc. time. You are more than enough for someone. On the other side of the same token, people who are getting engaged/married right now are not winners. Engagement/marriage is not an accomplishment. That is a step in a relationship, not a prize that goes on your resume.
3. It is okay to feel grief in many different ways. You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are rebuilding. That comes with an array of emotions.
4. Practice saying your response when people ask "So how are you and ________?". Also, you will live through it. I promise.
5. Fill that newly vacant time with a healthy distraction. 
6. Do not give yourself a timeline. You will heal deeper and quicker if you allow yourself to progress naturally.
7. Do not feel guilty for going on a date whenever you do decide to go on one. You are allowed to stop viewing yourself as a victim whenever you feel like it. And forgive yourself on this date. This is newly chartered territory, so you're going to be clumsy.
8. Don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want to talk to someone who is "making it." No one should go through a breakup alone.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28