Journal Entry - 8/19/15: "Trying Not to Try"

      Today was my first day as a sophomore at UAH. In my second class of the day, one of the required readings was titled Trying Not To Try. This title triggered many thoughts in my mind. First Thought: it's impossible. It contradicts itself. Second Thought: Why try if trying is the opposite of your goal? Third Thought: This sounds familiar.
     I, along with millions of other women, are plagued with conflicting influences. Each explicitly describes how to live and look; however, each disagrees entirely with the others. One voice says we must look like the conventionally beautiful women in the media: skinny (but not too skinny) and curvy (but proportional). That's what a woman should look like. Differ from it and you're labelled strange, weird, unattractive, etc. However, don't be boring. You have to be funny, confident, unique, and edgy. Woah, but not too edgy. That's weird.
     The voice that this title most resembles is a growing voice in today's society that no one seems to recognize. It says things like: "Don't spend an hour on your hair. Why do you care so much?" "Don't wear eyeliner to a basketball game? Who are you trying to impress?" People seem to believe that the cure for insecurity is simply telling someone they shouldn't care. And we seem to believe it. We care so much about appearing carefree. We try so hard to not try. See the conflict?
     I didn't my junior year of high school. My daily school attire was consistently one of my dad's tshirts/sweatshirts and yoga pants. My hair was always up and my face always naked. Sounds like I didn't care much about my appearance, right? That I was so comfortable with the way I looked that I could wear my dad's clothes and feel just fine? Wrong. That appearance may have convinced my classmates, but I never once convinced myself. I never felt beautiful. I never even felt okay with my appearance at school that year. But I did feel unnoticed, unimportant, and very average. I've never felt worse for myself. I had to admit to myself that it's okay to wear things that compliment my figure. It's okay if clothes abide by my style and not societies. It doesn't mean that I want attention. It doesn't make me wrong.
     And the solution to this problem lies within ourselves. We know how mean girls can be because we're one of them. The next time you see a girl wearing a dress and heels to your 8 am class on a rainy Monday, don't roll your eyes. There's a reason why she wore that. That's what makes her feel beautiful. And when you see a girl wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt to church, don't look down on her. There's a reason why she wore that too.
     It's okay to try and it's okay to care. And it's okay to do neither. But trying not to try is only a lie to yourself and others around you. It masks the parts that separate you from everyone else. Normality is a myth. Wear what makes you feel beautiful. Do what makes you happy. But most of all, don't judge someone else because their "beautiful" and their "happy" is different from yours.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi

Quote

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know." -Ernest Hemingway